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For years I have been fascinated by the human need to be “seen.” Back in the 1970’s I flew to Sacramento on weekends to participate in a study group called the “Frog Pond” where the new theory of Transactional Analysis was being taught. Those were the days when Dr. Eric Berne published his simplification of Freud’s theories for general consumption. “I’m Okay - You’re Okay” became a pretty common phrase. I brought the concepts to my communication students at Cypress College. It made sense to them on a personal level. They understood how important it is to be acknowledged; to find positive “strokes”, to feel “Okay.” |
Recently my husband, Ken, shared a Wall Street Journal article: The Retirement Crises No One Warns You About: Mattering.” The article by Jennifer Benny Wallace, January 16, 2026, makes the point that retirees plan for health and wealth, but not so much about how they are going to matter. In other words: what’s their plan for being engaged in the world; for being “seen” by others?
As a psychologist, I know that much of our happiness depends on our engagement with others. |
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I recall the findings of the long-running Harvard Study of Adult Development which discovered a high correlation between longevity and important relationships. Wallace cites statistics showing that 28% of retirees report some depression, while generally, adult Americans (even when retirees are included) report much lower rates, in the 8-10% range. In addition to the impact of retirement, other daunting changes may besiege us: death of a loved one, divorce, empty nest or illness can wreak havoc with our sense of well-being. It is up to us to ensure that our needs are met. All of this came to my mind last Monday on the MLK holiday. |
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My granddaughter, Emily, and I encountered an acquaintance of mine as we entered PetSmart on a mission for Emily’s birthday to buy some items for her extensive collection of living reptiles. As we approached the door, we were greeted by an acquaintance of mine, Nancy. Introductions were made. Nancy was carrying a cat carrier with two kittens aboard. She explained that she was part of a big holiday cat adoption event and was taking the kittens home to foster. Emily and I were happy to stop and chat about animals. |
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Very quickly Nancy confided, “I must tell you this story. I save lives!” She was glowing with happiness. We learned that two days earlier, on Friday afternoon, she received a call from an animal control office in a neighboring city telling her that two kittens would be euthanized at 5 pm. Nancy looked at the clock. It was 3 p.m. She said, “I wasn’t doing anything, so I got in my car and drove the 40 minutes to get the kittens.” She took them directly to the veterinarians at PetSmart. A foster family then took them from there with the plan that the kittens would be brought to the adoption event on Monday. By the time Nancy arrived they had already been adopted, although, they could not go home for some weeks. “I saved lives,” Nancy repeated, smiling broadly as she concluded her story. |
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Emily and I bid her goodbye and ventured to the reptile section. The encounter with Nancy has stayed with me as Nancy has discovered powerful ways to matter in the world. I followed up with a phone call, and learned that she has also been delivering meals on wheels for the last ten years. Nancy has found meaning in her retirement. |
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You may recall that when it was my time to think about retirement from teaching, that I was filled with terror. I mean it, the idea was paralyzing for me. My brain kept thinking “what could possibly be as wonderful as being with my students?” In fact, I had a false start. I decided to retire, then chickened out and taught five more years. Anyway, when it really was time to stop teaching, Ken and I brainstormed on ideas for me to continue to find meaning in my life. We were fully aware of the invisible losses involved with retirement:
Loss of identity Loss of purpose Loss of structure Loss of being needed Loss of social interactions |
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When I finally had courage enough to turn in my papers and leave the college, I was invited to speak at a community event in Cypress on the theme of “Renewal for the New Year.” It was a wonderful meeting. As I collected my materials to leave, three women helped me to my car. They were seeking help and guidance with recent personal losses. On the long drive home, I had the idea that I could offer a Loss Support Group in my own community. My city was happy to offer a new program with me as an eager volunteer. Until COVID shut us down, I offered the monthly Loss of a Loved One Program for nine years, and I found deep meaning in the work. Soon after, I became a docent at the Mission San Juan Capistrano where I now get to teach fourth grade guests about California history. I’ve been enjoying this for ten years, and the students fill my heart with joy. |
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So let’s make sure we don’t fall into that category of feeling depressed, of being part of the “crisis of retirement.” Let’s work hard at finding meaning in the wake of big life changes. How do we stay “okay?”
If we look around there are so many places we are needed: youth need mentoring (The Boys and Girls Clubs come to mind); we can serve as anchors in our community; we can volunteer at a non-profit; we can care for family members; we can enjoy a part-time job; we can travel; we can take up a new sport or hobby. The later years may well be some of our best times. |
I recently read a wonderful novel (The Book Club for Troublesome Women), and the take-away was we can do it all, but we can’t do it all at once. My hands were kind of full raising a family, and teaching full-time, but now I get to travel, write and enjoy my volunteer life.
So, what about you? What have you been doing that contributes to your sense of well being? Of Mattering? |
